Where the  is Ziva?
by LordMaster6
Summary: Tony's been asking the question, and now we have the answer...


**So I've been a little annoyed lately at the lack of Ziva time. I asked myself, where on earth could she be? So when I got a little drunk on Saturday night, this came out. Yeah, it's silly and cracky and should not be taken seriously at all. Enjoy.**

* * *

Tony walked back into the bullpen, and stopped. Something was missing, again. Ziva was not present. She had been there that morning, when he did his hilarious Steve Carrell impression, and again when they went to the crime scene and took pictures of each other's asses.

He had not seen her since.

'McProbius, where is Ziva?'

'Oh, she took another sick day.' McGee replied absentmindedly, he was busy trying to hack into Fort Knox, he wasn't entirely sure why Gibbs needed him to hack into Fort Knox for their current case, but Gibbs was the boss and who was he to question the man when he did that thing where he just stood there and stared at McGee?

'Again? Didn't she take like, three, the last time we had a murder? I see a pattern here McTyping real fast.'

'I can't explain it, how does she even have this many sick days?'

'Maybe she threatened the kill Vance with a paperclip during her contract negotiations, I'm sure it must be really painful to die by paperclip. That would also explain how she has enough money to buy a new coat every week.' Tony theorised as he sat down at his desk and began to play worms on his phone. He should probably do something to solve the case, but right now he just wanted to play this game. He didn't really worry about the case, he was certain that the damn thing would be solved in a few days. They were an efficient team like that. For a moment he wondered how fast they could solve these murders if Tony actually worked during daylight hours and McGee stopped hacking into random secure sites for Gibbs, but then he shrugged and returned to his phone game.

'But what could she be doing with all these sick days?' McGee wondered out loud, he looked up at Tony as his hands continued to type at warp speed. In all honesty, McGee didn't really need to look at the keyboard when he hacked, his hands just did all the work, he didn't even know what the hell he was typing.

'Develops new ways to kill people with everyday stationary? Goes to a Pilates class and beats everyone to a bloody pulp? I don't know.'

'Or maybe she's off playing footsie with that guy, Ray?'

'Ray Cruz?' Tony repeated, dropping his phone, he turned to his co-worker.

'Yeah, that guy.' McGee nodded, as his hands continued to type at warp speed, then the computer beeped and he looked at the screen. 'I'm in! What now?'

'Now you go home McGee, and leave me alone with the Fort Knox site.' Gibbs barked, literally appearing from nowhere. He hoped that Abby would never tell Tony and McGee that she'd invented a device that made him invisible so he could spy on them and learn about their case breakthroughs before they told him about them.

'Okay, good night boss.' Tony said cheerily as he grabbed his bag, Gibbs magically reappeared on his side of the bullpen and slapped the back of his head. 'Ow! What was that for?'

'I don't know, but I'm sure you've earned it.'

'Yeah, okay.'

* * *

The next morning Tony walked into the bullpen, again McGee was typing really fast, and again Ziva was missing.

'McTypist, what are you doing today?'

'Hacking into the IRS mainframe, it seems someone is framing Gibbs for not paying his taxes, and I have to stop them, we could never solve any cases without his valuable contributions.'

'Yeah, with the staring and the growling and the headslapping, we just wouldn't function without him.'

'Yeah, I mean we hardly ever see Ziva these days, but I'm sure if she was technically removed from the team, we'd fall apart.'

'I'm looking for Special Agent Gibbs.' Tony turned to find two very dour men in very dour grey suits standing at the entrance of the bullpen.

'Who the hell are you?'

'The IRS, where is Gibbs?'

'Uh, he went to interview a suspect in Alexandria.' Tony replied.

'Damn it, we were just there yesterday.' The other dour man cursed.

'Well, we'll just have to go back there. Bye.' The first dour man turned and marched off, his dour partner following him to the elevator, passing Ziva as she entered.

'Ziva! You decided to come into work today.' Tony announced happily. Today he wouldn't have to play worms on his phone to put off solving the case, instead he could sit and stare at his pretty partner as she cursed in weird foreign languages and tried to break her computer.

'I am just here to pick up some pens. Ray and I are having a huge crossword battle and my pens at home have all run dry.' Ziva explained as she examined the pens, deciding which one would best serve to kill a man should she come across some nondescript individual she didn't think anyone would miss too much. Tony felt a huge surge of jealousy at the mention of Ray's name, and stood up from his seat.

'As senior field agent I forbid you to go! You must stay and work on the case.'

'But Tony, you know these things practically solve themselves, I mean, we hardly even need to be here for it. Between Ducky and Abby and Gibbs doing some glaring in the interview room, what more needs to be done? Apart from the hundred or so reports that we need to write documenting our days?'

'This is all true. New plan, we're all going home to play scrabble at my place.'

'Okay.' Ziva replied, happy to be spending time with Tony, she wondered if she would have the opportunity to tell Tony during their scrabble game that Ray was just a figment of her imagination, and that the emails they exchanged were ones she just wrote to herself.

'I would go, but I still need to hack into the IRS and clear Gibbs name, or he could be arrested for stealing millions of dollars from Fort Knox and failing to declare it on his latest tax return.'

'That is ridiculous, how could Gibbs even access the money in Fort Knox?' Ziva wondered.

'I don't know.' Tony replied, shaking his head in confusion. 'But I have a solution to McProbie's problem, Ziva, hand me you biggest knife.' Tony ordered, Ziva nodded, and the boys watched, entranced, as Ziva pulled out a two foot long machete from her nonexistent cleavage. Tony then proceeded to cut McGee's hands from his body, which continued to type at warp speed after they were dismembered.

'Yay! Now we can all play scrabble.'

'But how, I can't pick up the pieces with my stumps.' McGee pointed out as they entered the elevator. The trio puzzled over this for a minute, before Tony brightened.

'I know! I will move your pieces for you!'

'You are just hoping to cheat, by looking at McGee's pieces whilst you move for him.' Ziva accused.

'Do you have a better idea?'

Back in the bullpen, Gibbs rematerialised behind McGee's desk, watching the probie's dismembered hands fly across the keyboard, clearing his name with the IRS. He didn't say anything, talking just wasn't his style. He just stared vacantly at the hands, as he contemplated the size of the boat he could build with his new found billions. Not to mention all the bourbon he could fill it with.


End file.
